The Taste of Regret

You think you turn me on
With your smooth talkin’ and your bad jokes
But the only joke I see … Is you

There may have been a time
your touch
Once thrilled me…Once excited me….
Once sent me into girlish daydreams
Filled with thoughts of how there might be something there
But your refusal to label whatever this was
This friends-with-benefits-yet-not kind of thing
Left a bitter taste in my mouth

That bitterness turned into numbness
And I freely admit  to using you like you used me
A simple fuck for when we’re bored
Or just something to fill the void
We share in this unhealthy exploitation
For only that temporary satisfaction

And I want so badly to quit you
But my loneliness is an unwanted friend
Whose words are sweet with poisoned honey
And whose voice caresses me when no one else will
Whose whispers spin lies in my ear
While persuading me to give you
What I promised myself you would never take

That phone call you get at 9 at night
Is because I’m so lonely that
I break down and turn to you
You only saw the smile I plastered on
During our brief interlude that left me completely unsatisfied
You didn’t see me scream and sob
When I spent another night alone in my bed

You think you’re something special
That I’m perfectly happy with our….affair
Like the time you murmured the words
“I like it when you take control” into my ear
As If you were handing me the reins to your seduction
It almost got me all hot and bothered
Until  your tactless comment “cause it means I don’t have to do much”
Made me want to punch your teeth out
I can’t believe that you’re too blind to see
The nothing I feel for you
Or that my tongue is riddled with scars
from the bite-marks of all the things I will never say out loud

I want no I deserve more than
Secret kisses behind closed doors
Or muffled encounters in darkened basements
I don’t deserve the dank darkness you thrust me into
As if you are ashamed to be seen with me
And there’s nothing thrilling about sneaking around
When we’ve been doing it for years

I’ll tell you what I do deserve though,
Hot kisses in the rain and sweet words told under stars
Hand holding in daylight and a strong embrace at night
I deserve someone who loves my imperfections
and loves me for ME
I deserve anything… but you


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